The Twilight Ninja
by SymphonyofRejection
Summary: The story of a man who rebelled against the Twilight fad. Strong language. Cullenist bashing. Complete!
1. Chapter 1

I killed Edward Cullen.

The fucking sparkly Vampire fell at my feet, obviously dead. And yes Twihards, he was defiantly dead.

Yes… now literature would be free!

Except….

"What? Edward… get up… get up!" Bella cried.

"He's dead. Finally…" I looked up at the sky.

"No… Edward can't die! He's immortal!"

"I used something called a plot device." I held up my plot device. "I twisted the rules of your world so that I can end Meyer's fantasy dream once and for all."

"Who… are you?" Bella whimpered.

"I am…" I twirled my cape dramatically. "The Twilight Ninja!"

…

_Once, a very long time ago, I was part of the real world. The world without Edward Cullen, the bitchy vampires, but the one that had the fans who cut themselves and were waiting for their 'Edward.' _

_I was what you'd call an anti. _

_We despised the Twilight series for what it was. Oh, not what the fans think… 'You're just jealous of (Stephenie Meyer, Edward Bella, ETC)' We hated the series for a variety of reasons. The Anti-feministic qualitys, the way they were written…_

_I was doing it because my girlfriend dumped me. _

_Basically, our love wasn't as 'pure' and 'unconditional' as Edward's and Bella's. So… yeah. _

_But enough about me: My mission._

_I went to a random mall once and stole a copy of Twilight. I was promptly arrested. And interrogated. _

"So… Mr. Ninja." The cop said. "Did you have something against that girl?"

"Not really. No." I said casually.

"Then why'd you do it?"

"The Twilight Series is poisoning our youth, and the mothers, of tomorrow. Too stop this, I will go to any lengths necessary to stop this menace." I said earnestly.

"Hahaha… HAHAHAHAHAHA!" The cop burst out laughing. "My daughter reads those books, and she's as sweet as can be!"

Suddenly, his cell phone rang.

"Hang on, crazy guy." The cop fumbled with his pockets, and pulled out his phone.

"Honey? Why did you- WHAT! I'll be right there!" The cop slammed his phone down, and ran outside.

Another cop came slinking in, shaking his head.

"Poor guy… his daughter just got raped."

Irony is hilarious. I remember thinking. That girl was probably asking for it. I remember a girl I met online say she wished she would be raped be Edward. Although I was inclined to believe this, it might not be true. These things do happen after all.

"Anyway, you're charged as guilty."

I looked up.

"Huh?"

"You'll be going to jail: no follow m- HOLY SHIT!"

The door opened wide, and fireworks went off. I'm serious. Freaking fireworks. They flew all over the place, bouncing off stuff. I took cover under the interrogation table. My cop friend wasn't so lucky. He got hit by one of fireworks.

Five girls came in.

"Alright sisters!" The one who was apparently the leader called. "Find that Twilight Hater, and castrate him! I hate those desperate middle-aged men who don't know beauty or twu luv!"

I popped out from under the chair, ninja-chopping one of the girls. She fell, knocked out. Then I ran.

"Stop that loveless son of a bitch!"

I ran through the whole place, noticing all the guards were knocked out. But by what?

I was about to run outside, but then I saw them.

They finally escaped from the internet.

Cultists.

The Cullenists, to be more exact. They're despereate little bitchs who basically worship Meyer and Eddiekins while hating on Jacob and secretly Bella. They were holding torches and carrying poorly written signs. You know, the usual mob.

I ninja-sensed the girls approaching, so I ran out screaming: "Hey look! Robert Pattison!"

Blank stares.

"Errr… The guy that plays Edward in the movie!"

"Where!?!?" They turned around, and I ran off.

……………

I got back home, got all my ninja gear together, posted some random stuff on Twilightsucks . com, trolled on the Twilightmoms forum, made fun of the cullenists really fast, sent a e-mail, then wrote a letter to Stephenie Meyer saying how much her series sucks ass.

_Dear Stephenie Meyer,_

_Your Brother is a nasty son of a bitch who won't show you criticism. Now, I'm no expert, but there are a lot of people on the internet who hate your poorly written series. I'm going to explain why I hate the series. This is in no way sponsored by Twilightsucks . com, although I am a member._

_First, the characters are horrible. Bella has no personilty, and she's structured in a way that teenage girls can pretend to be her. (As in… conveniently leaving out all of Edward's questions in the fist book, leaving the answers up to the reader) Edward is not that cool… in fact, he's abusive and controlling, and an all around asshole. The basis for this is that he frequently makes Bella do things she doesn't want to do, and forbids her from seeing Jacob. Now Jacob… he's a fucking Pedophile. You just threw him at Bella's second coming to keep him out of the way of Bella and Edward's twu luv… which is not cool. _

_The Plot is horrible. If not nonexistent. I know you intended the plot to be about Bella and Edward's romance but seriously… they really never doubt each other, they never have any real problems in their relationship, and oh yeah… their in lust. More about that in a bit. New Moon is particulary horrible… it shows how useless Bella is without her darling Eddie-kins. _

_Now… the lust. You hiliariously commented on Buttercup and Westley not knowing each other very well in __The Princess Bride__ (Which, by the way, is a satire) when, at least, they knew each other for a long while, and Bella and Edward just met. And what is their relationship based on? Looks (Edward) and Bella's smell. The way I (and several other antis) see that Edward and Bella will divorce soon after the events of Breaking Dawn, for reasons I will not disclose here. _

_Your books are horrible, and if your brother would stop censoring all the 'hurtful' e-mails you might have realized it sooner. These people will explain more flaws in your series, and will hopefully have you improve as a writer._

……………

A/N: Made in honor of the Twilight Ninja, who I know is somewhere out there!


	2. The Twimoms plot

It's time for… Thw Twilight Ninja theme song!

_And so I slice and I dice,_

_And I eat some more rice-_

Ummm… those are the only lines I could think of. Sorry.

Anyway, I left home in my ninja outfit, looking for Twihards to mess with. My thoughts strayed to when I realized I had been banned from the Twilight moms forums just because I didn't like the series. Or maybe because I wasn't a mom. So they're either like Meyer, and hate criticism, or are just sexist. I dunno.

So I walk to the mall, and see the deranged twihard who had called the cops on me yesterday. What a bitch. She called the cops on me just because I stole her Twilight! You'd think it was a crime or something!

So I decided to teach her a lesson.

I took out some matches, and threw them into the nearest store.

Hot Topic.

The store burst into flames. The Twilight fangirl (Along with several fake-emo bitches, who were probably also Twihards) Rush to try and put the fire out.

I laugh maniacally. The cops see me and chase me.

Again.

So I run outside. Six cops are waiting for me.

More come from behind.

"Well… shit." I said.

"You're that guy from yesterday!" One of the cops exclaimed. "The one who killed Trivette!"

"Trivette's dead?"

"OMG he killed Trivette!"

"That bastard!"

"Ummm… what about all those cultists outside?" I asked.

"What? Those were just girl scouts." One of the cops said dismissively. "Our cookies should be here in a few weeks guys."

"Yay!"

"…" I said. What the hell? Did they just help fund a freaking cult?

"Anyway." The cop turned on me. "You're under arrest. For Theivery, Pyro- pyro- burning stuff down, and being a grade-A asshole to little girls."

"What have you got to say for yourself?!?"

"The Lion fell in love with the Lamb!" I said suddenly.

The Cops took a step back.

"Holy shit!" One cried out. "He's armed!"

"With fluff!" Another cried out.

"If we listen to anything he says, we'll be repeating those crappy quotes all day!"

"My love, my only! Wuthering Heights Sucks! I live for you know! My Brother, my son!" I yelled out every Stupid Edward quote I could think of. The cops fell over on the ground in a vain attempt to cover their ears. But it was in vain!

"I have defeated you in a battle… OF LOGIC!" I screamed. Then I ran off.

….

So I sneak back into the mall to see what happened.

For some strange reason, all the Twilight merchandise was burned to the ground. The store was still standing.

The Twihards were crying.

That bitchy girl was still there.

"No… Edward!" She sobbed.

I cracked up.

Then I ran.

…

Holy shit.

I was on a Twilight website, looking at the thread about me. Ahhhh… the hate of horny teenage girls who assume I know nothing of love is quite hiliarous. They actually think I'm actually Mars Defdan from Twilightsucks . com. No, seriously. If Mars is reading this, let's say this together:

What the fuck.

Now back to the story.

It was a link calling together all the bitchy Twilight Moms. Of course they didn't refer to each other like that.

I found out there was a meeting of sorts.

Intriqued, I checked it out.

…

I was in the rafters of some building. I got up there using my mad ninja skillz. Anyway, the Twimoms were below me.

"It's official." The leader said. "It's time we act!"

Cheers.

"Today, we go to Washington, D.C and overthrow Obama!"

More cheers.

"And replace him with Stephenie Meyer! Her vision shall spread, and the world will be at peace!"

I fell out of the rafters laughing.

The TwiMoms stared at me.

"Who are you, young man?"

"I?" I asked as I struck a gallant pose. "I am the Twilight Ninja! My mission is to stop the Twilight fad! I must assist you in choosing a less evil plot!"

"The TwilightNinja! The guy that spammed our forums with lies!" The leader screeched.

"How can a opinion be a lie?" I asked.

"Get him!" The Twimoms screeched.

"I can't be get!" I jumped out of the way. I made my signature salute. "Twilight Ninja, AWAY!"

I should have used my catchphrase earlier… oh well.

I ran from the Crazy TwiMoms who think Edward is better than their husbands. It doesn't matter how small they are, Reality Fantasy!


	3. End of the World

_This is the story about how_

_My life got flipped upside down!_

_Come a little closer and I'll tell you the story,_

_Of how I became the Ninja of Twilight._

…

Great. I couldn't even remember all the lyrics. Ummm…

_I used to hang out at Borders_

_Relaxing all sweet_

_But when a couple of girls_

_Who were up to no good,_

_Started ranting about 'the Cullens'_

_I kicked a little verbal ass, _

_I swear that's it,_

_But then my girlfriend got mad,_

'_Compared to Edward, you have no nads!' _(AN: WTF?)

Ah great. I just made that up. That tune kinda sounded familiar though…

I lost the TwiMom's a while back by spraying sparkles all over this emo kid. Trust me, you don't wanna know what happened.

Since escaping Twimom's bent on overthrowing our President was an everyday occurrence for me, I wandered into Border's just for the hell of it.

"No!" A (Female) clerk yelled. "You can't buy that! Twilight is sooooooooooo much better! It's all epic and crap!"

The customer frowned.

"Why's it so good?"

"Edward's hot!"

"It's a fucking book."

"Le gasp!" The clerk… gasped. "It's not a book! It's a bible."

I decided to interevene.

"Here's what I see in your bible, bitch." I take out a lighter, and light the entire section dedicated to Twilight on fire.

"No!" the clerk screamed.

"Isn't destroying stuff that isn't yours a federal crime?"

"What the hell does that mean?"

The cops came barging in… again.

"What the… Twilight Ninja!" They gasped.

"Yes!" I said smiling. "It is I, The Twilight Ninja! Savior of Literature! Hater of Twilight and Abusive Sparkly assholes! Defender of the Dark Siders! Hero of the Anti's! The one who stood up to these batshit insane-"

"You're under arrest!" They cops pulled out guns.

"I'm not done with my speech yet!" I complain.

"You're coming with us!"

Suddenly, sparklers filled the room. Knowing what was coming, I jumped out of the way. The cops were blown away.

"So, Twilight Ninja, you thought you escaped us, eh?" Crap. It's the freaking Cullenists. And they look pissed.

"Oh, I escape everybody." I inform them. "The cops, you freaks, every girl I've ever slept with… it's all the same to me. Except with you, I actually have a good reason."

"Well, we have something you don't!" One of those bitches cried out.

"… What?'

"We have fucked up mythlogy! Now by using Japanese black magic, we can bring Twilight to life!"

"Yeah!" Another piped up. "Our messiah shall come, and then he will relive us of this curse called virg-"

I throw a chair and hit that slut in the face. She went down. I jumped out the window, in a very ninja-like fashion, Throwing a knife attached to a rope, it stuck to a nearby billboard. Now I was swinging around like Spider-Man.

I smash into a nearby Best Buy. I take some stuff, and hurl it out the window because it's so damn overpriced. I then leave, conveniently not setting off any alarms. I'm just that good.

I wasn't sure where the Twihards would practice fucked up Japanese mythology black magic where no one could find them. After all, even the most clueless parent thinks that Black magic equals bad.

So I just wander around town. I get bored looking and play a bit of GTA: Hometown. I steal a van, spray-paint 'Tyler's Van' on the side, and run over random girls with Twilight related clothing. (There was a whole lot more than you think)

"Take that, Bitch who wished she was Stephenie Meyer's fantasy dream!" I screech, as I run over another Twihard. "Feel the Power of Tyler's Van!"

Suddenly, the cops appeared! And they were pissed!

"I can't believe these Donut prices!" One complained.

"I know!" his buddy agreed. "How are we going to get fat so we look old so we can retire?"

It must be a coded message! They must know who I am! I stare at them intently.

"That guy with that Ninja mask is staring at you."

"Holy shit! You're right!"

More codes! My brow furrowed badassedly. Great. I just made up a word. I think. At least I didn't commit Thesarus rape.

"Hey… you hear about that guy, SymphonyofRejection?"

"Who?"

"He's this guy on who apparently broke into Stephenie Meyer's house and stole her pre-write of Twilight and posted it on the internet."

"Ouch. She must be pissed."

"She's not. Seth is shielding her."

"What a bastard…"

Aha! I had dechipered the code! These guys were Antis sent by our great and glorious leader Mars to guide me to my goal! According to their code, they were…

At Forks.

Well shit.

….

Stowing away on a plane is overrated, so I stole a jet instead. How? I went in, and took it. That simple.

Suddenly, the radio started going off.

"Mayday! Mayday! Some kind of sparkling fairy with teeth is… Ahhhh!"

"Hello. My name is Jasper. I am a Vampire. We are taking over the world. And Meyer… We're coming to get you."

"Oh, shit. I was too late.


	4. The Twifan slaying robot

So the Cullens had taken over the world. Joy. That was sarcasm, by the way.

So I strut into Forks, and see all the fangirl crap.

"Finally!" "They're here!" "I told those preppy cheerleaders111apple1"

Those little bitches! 111apple1 isn't a word!

I prepare my emergency 'piss off random Twilighters kit.'

"Ahahahahahaha!" I laugh manically as I burned the complete set of books, the shitty guide that didn't sell, and the Host. Which sucked by the way.

"**WHO DARES BURN MY WORD!" **A thunderous voice rumbled.

"Me. Who the hell are you?"

"**I am God."**

"Pst. God wouldn't be using a loudspeaker."

"Oh fine! It's me, Edward Cullen!" Edward threw aside his loudspeaker thing. "But I am god. So there."

"YAY EDWARD!" The fangirls screeched.

"No, your god to these Emo girls who probably haven't even had a real boyfriend yet." I countered. "Have you read the Edward Cullen vs. Normal Guy crap? Basically, that shows by itself that these girls are love deprived."

Here, I'll prove it to you:

(Great… How'd that list go again....)

A normal guy would say: "I love you Baby!"

Edward Cullen would say: "You are my life now"

Normal Guy would say: "I think am falling for you"

Edward Cullen would say: "The Lion felt in Love with the Lamb"

Normal Guy would say: "You hair looks like a haystack ….go brush it!"

Edward Cullen would say: Your hair looks like haystack…but I like it"

A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicated to you.

Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.

If you died a normal guy would find another.

If you died Edward would kill himself cause life without you isn't worth living.

As you left the house a normal guy would say: "Bye..See ya!"

As you left the house Edward Cullen would say: "Come back to me love"

As you come back to the house a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn't even notice.

As you come back to the house Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you

A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.

Edward Cullen would make you breakfast everyday.

While you were both out for dinner a normal guy wouldn't keep his eyes of the sexy waitress.

Edward Cullen wouldn't even notice the waitress was a female.

A normal guy while driving would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.

Edward Cullen while driving would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.

While far apart in different places a normal guy would say: "I miss you"

While far apart in different place Edward Cullen would say: "It's like you taken half myself with you"

A normal Guy wouldn't care or notice if you had nightmares.

Edward Cullen would sing until your nightmares went away.

A normal guy does it with everyone.

Edward Cullen only does it with one.

A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolates.

Edward Cullen buys you a car

See? These fans are morons. They seem to think that Edward Cullen is the ultimate boyfriend, and that all other guys are losers.

"You little human!" Edward seethed. "How dare you attempt to logic against me?"

"Get him!" The fangirls screech.

"It's time to disappear! Twilight Ninja, AWAY!" I yell, as I spring into my signature salute. I run from the fangirls, because Teleporting is overrated.

What I did next is a tribute to a little seven year old girl out there.

"Hiyah!" I pulled a stuffed Goldfish out of nowhere, and shoved it down a fangirls throat.

"Argh… Irony… is… horrible." The fangirl said as she choked to death.

"That's what you get for killing a little girls goldfish, bitch." I lecture.

"Bwahahaha!" The Fangirl cried as she turned into a Meyerpire. "Now, I am a god!"

Suddenly, the ground shook. At out jumped… A robot?

"**Hello." **It said robotically. **"I am in this for the Lulz." **

It then took out a machine gun, and killed all the Fangirls.

"What are you doing?" I demanded. I slashed at the one who had turned into a vampire, and cut it into little tiny pieces. Then the Robot burned them with a flamethrower.

"**I am the Anti-Twilighter 9000. I am here on orders from the creator, SerenadeofHatred from Twilightsucks . com."**

"Who?"

"**It matters not. We must Pwn some Noobs."**

"Uhhh… that's not really my style."

"**The Creator doesn't give a shit about your style. Edward Cullen must die."**

"I don't think so, you robotic piece of metal!" Edward screamed. Why the hell doesn't he swear? That was just lame.

"Quick, whatever the hell your name is!" I grab the Anti robot thing, and Hijack a car in a nanosecond. Now, realistically, Edward could have flown over here and tried to snap my neck. He did that. Thing is, I threw a copy of _Romeo and Juliet _at his face.

"No!" He screamed, stampeding around everywhere. "All those old words Meyer can't understand! I can't tell if this is a romance or a satire! ARGHHHH!!!"

So we drive off. I'm giggling like a maniac, and the robot wants to kill some more noobs.

Edward used all of his Super-Powers, and by using my Ninja-acuteness, I could tell he was trying to rip it off, using his mind reading powers to try to convince it to change the way it was written, commenting the Rosaline sounded familiar, then bashed his head against a brick wall.

He finally got it off, and came after us…

IN HIS SHINY SILVER VOLVO!

"**Why don't we go faster?" **The Robot asked.

"Speed limit." I explained.

"**He's going over it. And he's never been caught."**

Suddenly, a cop ran Edward off the road.

My super ninja acuteness picked up the following converstation:

"What was that for?"

"Speed limit. 100 MPH when I got you.."

"But I've never been caught! I can read minds!"

"First, Cops won't always be thinking about how they're cops. Second, your mind reading won't save you from detectors. Third… that'll be fifty bucks."


	5. Power Rangers: Sparkly force!

So annoyingly, I was driving away from… WTF?

"**That is completely illogical. Why would they do such a thing?"**

"I'm… not sure." I said.

"Let's go team!" Edward called from the top of a mountain.

"Red!" Suddenly, he put on red spandex with a goofy helmet and a bad pattern on it.

"Blue!" Jasper did the same.

"Green!" Emmet this time.

"Yellow!" Shit. Rosalie too.

"Pink!" Alice called.

"Perfect super special awesome overpowered rainbow!" Bella screamed. Bitch.

"Together we are…"

Suddenly, and explosion occurred behind them.

"Power Rangers: Sparkly Brigade!"

I was laughing my ass off at the idiocy. The Robot was just confused.

"Go Go Power Rangers!" Carlislie screamed on the sidelines.

"Time to go Megazord!" Edward announced.

"But Edward, we're supposed to wait until the enemy gets really big." Alice protested. "If we fight them in a giant robot while they're still small, that wouldn't be fair!"

"Why do you care, Alice?" Jasper sneered. Bastard.

"We're perfect! Rules don't apply to us. Deploy the Megazord!"

"Ummm… Sure." Rosalie said uncomfortably as she called the Zords.

"Yayz! Mine's a Mountain Lion. Even though they're really, really, rare around the Forks area, I eat one every month!" Edward announced.

"Mine's the bear! Yum…. Bear." Emmet drooled as he took a big bite out of his Zord's leg.

"Mine's the Ballerina!" Alice announced.

"Mine's the whale! Although I don't know why… perhaps I have no background?" Jasper wondered.

"Mine's a… dog?" Rosalie asked, confused.

"That's no dog." Bella explained. "It's a bitch. We thought it represented you very well!"

"… F$%& You." Rosalie said through gritted teeth.

"Gasp! You just swore! Now the parents won't let their kids read these books, despite the fact that this book deals with sexual tension, which is far worse than swearing! You made me chagrined!" Bella cried.

"Rosalie!" Edward scolded. "Bella is the most super-special sparkly awesome out of all of us. How dare you hurt her feelings?"

"I'm trying to be independent!" Rosalie said.

"Pshhh, independence is just some fad. Soon, Men will dominate again. Bwahahahaha!" Edward laughed evilly.

"Rosalie, we've explained this to you before." Alice said in a motheringly tone. "Men don't like independence. It makes you hard to get."

"Yeah! Independecence in Women is why there is a Twilightsucks . com! So of course independence is bad." Jasper explained.

Emmett was still eating the metal bear leg.

"See, Rosalie? I found Twu Luv while being defenseless, and now I depend on him to tell me how to live my life! This is why you're so bitter! You can't accept life!"

Epic lulz.

"**Screw this. I'm going for it."**

"_Autobots, Transform and move out!"_

"What's with all the shitty references today?" I wonder.

Suddenly, the robot turned into a battle machine!

"Hey! I liked that car! Oh well." So I pilot the Giant Robot, which is everybody's (that's under 12) fantasy dream, and kick ass!

"Form the Megazord!"

"Go go Power Rangers!" Carlislie sang again.

So the lame transformation time took like, forever, so I just used The Robot's flamethrower to weld all the pieces together before they could kick ass.

"What! What happened?"

So the Megazord stumbled around, killing more people than necessary.

Suddenly, the Mayor of the Town we were fighting in spoke up.

"That's IT!" Power Rangers are old news! They're killing people now! It's time for a change! I have hired… The unnamed, awesome, mercernary group that got their asses kicked!"

"Hey, it was a fairy-tale satire." A Spainard guy with a sword said.

"Yes! If we fought the man in black in reality, there's an inconceivable chance that he would win!" The hunchback screamed.

"His name is Westley, Vizzini." The Giant dude said.

"I know that! I just don't live long enough in canon to know tha-"

"Oh Holy Crow! It's Hagrid!" Bella screeched.

"No, dude, that's Andre the Giant." Jasper corrected.

"Ummm… Andre plays him in the movie. His name is Fezzik." Rosalie corrected.

"Which movie does he star in?" Bella asked.

"The Princess Bride."

"Oh yeah… That piece of nothing!" Bella whined. "I'm too smart and special to watch the movie, so I read the book instead! They fall in love, in like, a day or something."

"Isn't it hilarious that Bella's opinions are ironically identical to Stephenie Meyer's?" I ask. "That's also hyprocritical, by the way."

"You little son of a-" Jasper paused. "Hey guys, what's a good insult that won't drive the kiddies away?"

"Fuck you Bitch." With that, I shot some random weapons, and flew my new giant robot away.

SPECIAL NOTICE!

This, is not bullshit. If it is, at the very least I ain't making it up. It appears, that a SEQUEL to Breaking Dawn is being written. The Weird thing about this? It's being written… by a crazy fan. Seriously. The publishing company is just going to try and make a hell of a lot of money from this bullshit, hoping Meyer won't hear of it. Because if she knew, She'd get really, really, pissed.

It's also a Jacob/Bella work if I remember correctly. So, It's already defied canon. This piece of shit published fanfiction is called Null Moon if I remember right. There's a huge debate over the internet over what to do. My course of action: Hope Seth doesn't censor all the mail warning Meyer about this. Because, quite honestly, if Meyer enters the fray, it's over. She'll get pissed off (It's not the way I imagined them!) This is already very, very, illegal. So, if you have the time, drop by what's-her-name's website and complain. Who knows? She might just give up before Meyer realizes what's going on.

Notice: This is information received through Twlightsucks . com. For more details, please visit us! Oh, and despite popular belief, we have not been hacked. Thank you for reading.


	6. Tiwfnas untide!

Yez! I haz haced ths shity fafnci! i so smrat! Noaw, brebare 4 teh msot trtuflu thang U evah haerd!

Sew, the Twlgiht Nijna hats Twihgit hmmm? Me killz him! Becuz eh sux as!

Sew edwad gos O twu luv! Mary em! Tehn I like U sexah! Sew sur.

Tehn, Stephanie Meyre coms, and decieds taht bela is nawt Edwad's twu luv, butt its mah, insaed!

Sew Edwad divocres bela, tehn Stephanie meyre marreis is ni cannon! Yayz!

Me going 2 hav sex now. i shall hav fun wiht whatevah pats boyz hav.


	7. The King's Men

So the Twifans were chasing us again. Joy.

By the way, I dealt with that hacker last chapter reeeaaaal well. I'm not saying what. It's too evil.

Anyway, some of you have asked for a translation. Basically, she claimed that Edward is the shit and I suck. Also, she said that Meyer would award her with Edward realizing that Bella wasn't his true love, and go after her instead.

Right, fangirl. Riiigghht.

Anyway, The Robot and I were flying away. Of course, who else would stop us except the Yeerk rip-offs. Yeah, those things from the Host.

"**What the fuck?" **The Robot asked.

"It's the Soul things. You know, the things that Meyer set up to be the good guys, but are really, really, controlling assholes?"

"**Hey look. It's Meyer's other Self Insertation."**

Walking towards us, was Melanie Stryder. For those that are bad at anagrams, it's so noticeably a anagram of 'Stephenie Meyer' even you went 'What the fuck?'

"Described by Meyer as the strongest person you'd ever meet physically or mentally…" I thought aloud.

"**But she still gets pushed around by that asshole Jared."**

"I thought that the Twitards only brought the Twilight characters to life. Why's she here?" I wondered.

"**Processing… Witty shit that the Creator would say… "Dude, The Host is Twilight. Just with different characters, a new perfect fantasy race, and more abusive assholes. Oh, and the love triangle is girl-boy-girl, not boy-girl-boy."**

U hav ben haced!

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_Hello. I am a member of the group that calls themselves the King's Men. I feel as if I should assist you, Twilight Ninja. As everyone knows, Stephen King recently announced his distaste for the Twilight series. We have been plagued by stupidity ever since. As such, we shall assist in any way we can. _

Boom!

"Argh!" All the rip-off aliens and Meyer's self-insertation suddenly were all blown away.

"We're here." The King's Men said needlessly.

"I can see that. But seriously… if you kick that much ass, why didn't you come sooner?"

"Well, we're here to explain to the kiddies about how they're wrong about the whole 'She can't write worth a darn comment."

"Alright. I haven't discussed that yet." I agreed.

"Yes. First, and most important, Twilight fans have accused Stephen King of being 'Jealous' of Meyer's recent success. You people are idiots. You say that Meyer's books have outsold King's books. Let's see…"

Meyer: 40,000,000

King: 350,000,000

"Yes, King has outsold Meyer in books. Now, King's books are better than Meyer's. But we already knew that, so let's not get into it. Next, Twihards pull 'But Twilight is an epic movie!' So, what's IT? Stand By Me? Both are amazing movies that were based on books by Stephen King, and outdid Twilight in both income, and quality."

"Go!" I cheer.

'Then you pull out awards. If you'd bother to actually check, Meyer has not won any noteworthy awards. Twilight has got on some lists, but that's it. King, on the other hand, has several different awards. Real awards, not stuff like the Nick kid's choice awards."

"Twihards, by then, have nothing else to say except 'You're wrong!' And go off to read their trashy novel. We win. 'Nuff said.'

"Well, nice rant and all, but I'm bored. I'm going to go kill that bastard Edward now."

"Sure. Go ahead."

And thus, the Adventure of my Life began…


	8. The End but not yet

I chopped and I hacked and I slashed and I cut…

"**Hurry up! He's getting away!" **

"Bwahahaha!" Edward said as he jumped on top of another mountain. (He's been doing that a lot) "My fangirls are too numerous to fall to the likes of you!"

"Eddy-kins… sex us up…" They drooled.

"Now… feel the wrath… of Twihards… on YouTube!" Eddie screamed.

"Nooooo! I can't take the stupidity!" I cried dramatically as I fell to my knees.

"Bwahahaha! These girls are brilliant!" Edward cackled.

"**Logic circuits… exploding. Sending SOS… to Twilightsucks . com…" **The robot fainted from the stupidity.

What happened was this: I giant monitor screen thing popped out of nowhere and started showing the most idiotic fangirls I know.

"It's an UHMAZING BUUUUUUUUUUUK!"

"Yeah. Anybody who burns books is like the Nazis. I can see you Twilight haters sticking us in concentration camps and killing us off…"

"Alright, Twilight is better than Harry Potter. 41 reasons: 1. Sexy Vampires. 2. Sexy Werewolves. Three…"

The idiocy swirled around my head.

"Bwahahaha!" Edward cackled. "Now, I shall show every video ever made that ever had anything to do with Twilight or my super sexy self ever!"

He pushed a button.

Then suddenly…

Every anti I knew… and about a million I didn't, were debating against Twilight.

I saw ZaxfromTwilightsucksdotcom's Twilight abridged series, which saves time reading the book while simultaneously bashing it… intelligently.

I saw Mars, creator of Twilight Sucks, pointing out the writing flaws, abusive attitudes of the male characters, and all around crappiness of the series.

I saw the many, many, retorts to the shitty '41 reasons' video.

"What- how…" Edward gasped. "Twilight is the best book evah! How could people hate it?"

"Simple." I pointed my sword at his face. "It sucks."

"ARGH!" GET HIM!" Edward screeched.

That's the funny thing. The fangirls instinctively went back home to flame the people who disagreed with them.

"Oh… dear." Edward said in a small voice.

"This is exactly why you suck so much." I inform him. "You're designed to be the perfect, forever lover. Without any girls to make love to… well, that defies the entire purpose of Gary-Stus…"

"Ha! But I am still unstoppable!" He screamed as he flew at my face.

"Take this, bitch!"

A gunshot went out. Eddie fell over. Of course he wasn't dead, he's too stu-ish for that.

Striding towards us was…

"**Creator!" **

"I received your SOS. I decided to come personally." Serenade said coolly. "I have a new program for you, Twifan slayer 9000. It should have downloaded by now."

"**Yes… with this, we can win. Twilight Ninja! Use all my power to defeat Edward!" **

Suddenly, the Robot turned into some kind of Bazooka.

"What the…"

"Charge it up. Hurry." Serenade urged.

"Roah!" Edward screamed as he rushed at us.

I pulled the trigger.

Instead of firing a shot, it did something else. A beam of energy surrounded Edward and lifted him off the ground.

Then, something extraordinary happened.

All the images of the Anti's rants against Twilight seemed to come off the screen and float towards Edward.

"What?" Edward screamed in panic. "What is this! This… AGONY!"

Edward screamed for a little while longer. Then, he fell over.

"I can't die…" He wheezed. "Twilight… is a classic."

"You're right." I said. "Twilight is a classic. It inspired countless people how not to write. Good-bye, Edward."

With that, the infamous Meyerpiere and all around asshole died.

…

"It's not over yet." Serenade whispered.

"Huh? Of course it's over. All anyone cares about his Edward."

"Look behind you."

I turned around.

What? Edward… get up… get up!" Bella cried.

"He's dead. Finally…" I looked up at the sky.

"No… Edward can't die! He's immortal!"

"I used something called a plot device." I held up my plot device. "I twisted the rules of your world so that I can end Meyer's fantasy dream once and for all."

"Who… are you?" Bella whimpered.

"I am…" I twirled my cape dramatically. "The Twilight Ninja!"

"Enough with the theatrics." Serenade said impatiently. "Yes, it may have been a plot device, but it worked, didn't it? It's over. The World is saved from being overrun by Sparkly, abusive assholes."

"No. You're no where no saved." I was shocked to hear Bella's voice sound so flat.

"Wha-"

"Allow me to introduce myself." Bella continued.

"We know who you are… Stephenie Meyer!" I accused.

"Haha… HAHAHAHAHA! Oh you poor fool." 'Bella' said as she shook her head. "No, Bella is now my puppet. It's true though. Isabella Swan was once the Self-Insertation of Stephenie Meyer."

"Who are you then?" Serenade asked.

The fake Bella ignored him.

"I set all this up. The Gothic rituals… the vampires… Aye, even the Twimoms trying to overthrow Obama. I am the true Hero here."

"Pst." I said. "You're no Hero. An Hero maybe."

"You don't get it!" She snapped. "No one wants me! I'm miserable and Emo! And gothic!"

"Yeah, Yeah, whatever." I said.

"People like you… you're the reasons why everyone hates me…" Suddenly,

'Bella' changed. Her teeth changed into fangs. Her clothes changed into that of Hot Topic. Her hair somehow became multiple different colors.

"No…" Serenade gasped.

"Yes! It is I!" The girl said triumphantly. "And now, the World shall bow down to the only True Vampire sex machine on this planet… ME! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

A huge portal appeared in the sky. She jumped into it.

I jumped in after her.

"No! Twilight Ninja! Do you know who she is! Oh, I'm going to regret this…" Serenade muttered, before grabbing his robot and jumping in after me.

The thing is, I knew who she was. I feared my next (And last) battle, because I was up against the Greatest Mary-Sue of all time.

I was fighting Tara Gilesbie.


	9. The Epic Battle

I gasped as I looked around the area Tara had sent us.

"Wow… just wow…" Serenade said as he looked on beside me.

"…" The Robot was beyond repair at this point.

The Castle was essentially a 'goffic' version of Hogwarts.

"If I had to guess, we have just entered Tara's fantasy universe." Serenade said.

Just then, we noticed a war going on near the Lake.

"The Goths Versus Preps… the only two forces in 'My Immortal." Serenade informed me.

"What does this have to do with mocking Twilight?" I demanded.

"We're getting there."

Ignoring the warring Goths and Preps, we walked up to the castle.

"So, what happens when we get there?" I asked.

"It depends."

"On what?"

We opened the front door, and saw the entrance hall.

Tara was crying.

"Wha-"

"No- no one cares!" She sobbed. "I've never been kissed… never hugged by a man who cared about me… I've never even been on a real date!" She said piteously.

"Ummm… It's going to be alright?" Serenade said tentatively.

"No! It's not!" She said, still crying her eyes out. "I'm ugly, I'm fat, and-"

"You're goffic and you cut your wrists?" I suggested mildly.

Serenade glared at me.

"Can't you see she's really upset?"

"Well, Who really car-"

"But then." She said, noticeably a calming down. "I read… Twilight." She sighed dramatically.

"Well, this is going to end badly." I commented.

Serenade punched me.

"Continue with your story please." He said politely.

Desperate bastard.

Tara went on.

"Bella was much like me. I felt it. She made my life feel… comparable, for the first time. Then, she met Edward. Who was everything I ever imagined love to be like."

She sighed again.

"Twilight… made me feel… like I could actually find True Love out there somewhere. Someone who could love me, despite the fact I'm…" She cringed. "Ugly."

"Haha." I snickered. "So you wrote My Immortal."

"I was a child!" She snapped.

"Well, Excuuuuuuuuuuse me Princess." I said obnoxiously.

Serenade jumped in.

"Twilight Ninja, stay out of this." He told me. He looked at Tara and smiled. "Love isn't just coming to happen, you know? I know you must have had some kind of depressing childhood, but you need to know this. Twilight's version of love is simply lust. If you really think you've grown since you wrote My Immortal, please listen to me."

Tara, for a second, was about to obey her natural instincts and rip Serenade's head off. But she resisted at the last second. "Alright. Go ahead."

"As you know," Serenade began, "Bella and Edward met and fell in love in about roughly three weeks. Tell me. Why?"

"Well…" Tara stuttered. "I guess… It was meant to be, wasn't it?"

"It's not a rational relationship." Serenade said. "They barely knew each other, and they confessed their undying love to each other in three weeks. What got them together?"

"Well… Bella smelled good."

"That's true. On Edward's side. But why was Bella attracted to Edward?"

"Well… he was really, mysterious and seemed to lik-"

"Wrong. The only reason Bella claimed he was 'mysterious' is the fact that he was sexy. If one of the Emo kids was interested in her, she wouldn't investigate their personal lives."

Incredible. What was he thinking? Countless antis have tried for months to tell this twilight bitches that they were wrong. But Tara was looking at him like… she might actually think he had a point.

This discussion continued for a while, and Tara spoke once more.

"I… think I see your meaning." She said slowly. "Bu-but-"

"Yes?" Serenade asked.

"Does that mean…" She appeared to struggle with the words. "That… I was wrong? About everything. My ideas on Love… I feel that my life is going to twist inside out." She lowered her head. "I related myself to Bella. I believed she was a good person. Does that mean… I'm a bad person too?"

"Aren't Goths teenage rebels?" I said loudly. They both ignored me.

"I don't think you're a bad person Tara." Serenade said with a smile. "You just a weird view on life. I think you related to Bella so much because… well, she didn't often leave her house. You get out, do some stuff. That'll hopefully get you some friends. And hey, that's the first step, isn't it?"

I stiffened.

"Uh oh."

"What is it?" Serenade asked me.

"Outside!" I screamed. I ran out the door. Tara and Serenade followed me out.

There, on the top of the North tower, stood the guy who was obviously the most evil bastard in this fic.

"Damn!" Serenade swore. "It's him!"

The figure's shadow turned to face us. A massive White wing rose from his back…

And he jumped towards us.

Tara grasped as I drew my sword.

After a brief sword fight, the figure jumped away to begin his stupid rant about his evil plan.

'You!" Serenade snarled. "What are you doing here?"

"Here's here… for me." Tara said quietly.

"Wha-" I gasped.

"He wants to give me to Mrs. Meyer. I'm so much like Bella that, if we switched brains, Meyer could become Bella Swan." Tara explained.

"What? A brain transplant? For Meyer's benefit? Then you must be…" I gasped as I realized just who we were dealing with.

"Yes! It is I!" The figure said dramatically as he stepped into the light. However, he forgot he ran an internet site and was therefore very rarely in the sun. "Ouch! It burns!" He cried.

"Seth? Meyer's brother?" I asked.

"Yeah. It's him. Seth, all around asshole and the guy who runs her Website and screens her fan mail."

"With a bio-engineered, bad-ass wing!" Seth exclaimed proudly as he flexed his giant white wing.

"What's a wing do?" I asked.

"It looks cool!"

"Back on track." Serenade said coolly. "We won't let you take Tara!"

"Well, that's good. Then I won't have to feel bad after I take drastic measures!" Seth announced with an evil grin.

"What are you going to do? Imprint on us?" I asked. Serenade snickered.

"No!" Seth snapped. "You are not my destined love! No, I must have to kill you, and take the girl's body back to prepare for surgery!" Then he added as an afterthought, "And then erase any evidence that you ever existed, so Stephenie won't know some complete noobz hate her books!"

"As much as I hate Tara and her idiotic fanfic." I began. "I learned something important through all this crap."

"That you shouldn't let stereotypes rule your judgement of people?" Serenade suggested.

"That I have potential as a writer?" Tara asked hopefully.

"That Cullenism is the best and only religion in the world?" Seth said.

"No, No, and FUCK no. No, what I learned is, 'Anything that helps Meyer fulfill her fantasy dream is evil."

Pause.

"Enough of this crap!" Seth screamed. His wing erupted out of his back. "Prepare to face… Sethiroth!"

"Are all of Meyers' relations media rip off artists?" I asked, before the battle of all time began.

Of course, I'm going to cliffhanger it here. And no, I won't tell you how it ended. Think about this ending. And make up what happened for yourself.

Sincerely,

The Twilight Ninja

Note from Serenade: I do not have a relationship with Tara Gilesbie. If anybody says anything about my odd words of encouragement, and how it seemed romantic to them, you are all morons.


End file.
